


The System Only Dreams in Total Darkness

by LNJames



Series: Suddenly Everything Has Changed [18]
Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-01
Updated: 2019-09-22
Packaged: 2020-10-04 22:28:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,516
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20478488
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LNJames/pseuds/LNJames
Summary: Here I am leaving you clues.Season 4 gently referenced, Season 5 lightly imagined.





	1. west egg

i. _west egg_

It was quieter out in the garden and for that she was grateful. The sky had turned from the oranges of dusk into something darker and her eyes adjusted to the difference in the makeup of stars above her now. She was a long way from her motherland, though her tongue kept her from blending in tonight. She had practiced her words and her accent, trying to lose it before this very important event. Alex had promised to take her to a party and show her how the other half lived. Here on the manicured lawns of West Egg, she knew she was a spectacle and had fled the men and women inside the immense marbled mansion. They were filling themselves with food and illegal drink, gorging themselves to excess on the freedoms that money bought. The new Soviet Union was too far from prohibition America in the 1920s and she would never fit in no matter how hard she tried.

*

_“Alexander, who is your guest? She seems...odd. Did you bring her from New Jersey?”_

_Across the room, she pretended she didn’t hear them talk. She hadn’t liked the way the woman eyed her as she sidled up to Alex. The women at this party wore such extravagant clothes she could not even imagine owning. Long dresses with plunging necklines that made them seem taller, hats of the finest style, shoes with buckles, fur wraps for costuming and not warmth. She didn’t want to look down at the clothes she wore because they did not fit her and she had no choice in the matter._

_“Daisy, your manners are showing. She’s a friend, not some Hoboken housewife. She’s not from anywhere near here.”_

_Alex was her only friend in this country but she knew he must have many. He wanted to take her to parties like this, where people with money idled the night away gossiping and getting drunk on illicit gin. He said he wanted her to see the future of America and how its decadence and greed would soon decay the country. She wondered why he never considered himself a part of such things given his family money and his own lavish spending._

_“Well, she looks like you brought her in off the streets as charity. Those clothes went out of season last year and her hair, I don’t even know women who style it like that so long and loose. It’s not the fashionable thing anymore, Alexander.”_

_She watched as Alex sighed, his eyes looking over at her and his smile not reaching his eyes. She looked down and away, embarrassed to be here and embarrassed that Alex had shrugged his shoulders._

_“I can only do so much. I have bigger plans for her and I’d appreciate if you could teach her a few things about American values. I’ll arrange a girls lunch with you and Miss Baker and some others. I’m sure Gatsby wouldn’t mind hosting again. He seems to like your...company.”_

_The woman Alex was talking to gave him a look she didn’t understand and lifted the glass to her lips._

_“At least I have company. Where’s yours? Or does Clark Kent still not know your name?”_

_“Careful, Daisy. You wouldn’t like me when I’m mad.”_

_She heard a high laugh and watched the woman spin away from Alex and blend back into the party. Alex looked at her and she could tell he knew that she had heard everything. How could she not? Her hand went to smooth down her hair, trying to style her long blonde waves into something more elegant, more American. It would never work. She heard another laugh and saw Daisy with a group of women near the grand piano, pointing at her. This time, she hadn’t listened in, she had fled instead._

*

She had gulped enough cool salty air to fill her lungs with America. She had no home, really, because she had no memory. Maybe she had been sick with a fever dream, waking up in the middle of a frigid field of snow in Kasnia with no name. Maybe she was from a time before fathoming. It didn’t matter now, because Alex had rescued her and brought her here in her ill-fitting out of fashion dress and unruly hair. It didn’t feel like a rescue and it didn’t feel like the promise that Alex had sold her. With nowhere else to go, she walked through the gardens of this fancy house by the ocean, sculpted bushes and thorny roses that no one inside would notice. She was sure the owner of this mansion, Mr. Gatsby himself, never ventured to the dark gazebo on the edge of the garden. She climbed the stairs and stood against the railing, looking out to the black water as if held answers she sought.

“I can’t stand these parties either.”

She startled and turned around at a woman’s low voice, unaware of another’s presence. Leaning with her back against the raining and the lit mansion behind her, she could barely make out the figure. Dressed in a black dress of the style she had seen inside, the woman blended into the night, black hair sculpted neatly into a bun with a small silver embroidered hat pinned in place. She felt herself step forward, knowing who this was without being told.

“Lena..”

She could see white teeth smile at her as her eyes adjusted. Red lipstick and mascara painted a pretty picture and she was sure no one at the party could match her style.

“You must be Kara. Lex told me about you.”

She paused at the name, remembering what Alex had told her and the forged papers she had in her meager suitcase. She was to be someone else here in America with a name that wasn’t hers. Her mouth wanted to find something to say where her accent didn’t make her sound so..foreign. But Lena Luthor, Alex’s sister, was walking towards her and she felt something inside warm, her ribs expanding with the breath she took. Her fingertips buzzed too much so she reached up to push a wayward strand of hair to settle it.

“I..yes, I am called Kara.”

She wanted to cringe, her accent coming out thick and clunky. She wasn’t sure what to say to someone like Lena Luthor who just smiled at her.

“I’m sorry my brother thought you would like a party like this.”

She watched as Lena lifted her arm and swept it back towards the mansion in full glow. Far off, she could hear the murmuring and blending of a hundred voices, None of it mattered out here. Alex had told her a few things about his sister before tonight but she had never met her. They were once close. They had disagreements. Alex said she reminded him of his sister and she could not understand why or how. This woman moved in a world she did not understand, held herself with confidence she did not have, was more beautiful than anyone she had ever seen. She looked down at her own shoes, practical heels with no buckles.

“I am not used to such things...and such company.”

Lena walked past her to lean against the railing overlooking the ocean and with her came something sweet in the air. She thought it was a flower but she had no name for it. It made her dizzy enough to take another breath and turn, wishing she were more clever. Lena’s profile was soft and in the summer night, she could see curves outlined in black. She reached across herself to hold her arm, palm covering defined muscle. Her body was nothing like the women at this party, stronger and leaner and more solid. She wanted to hide it.

“Never get used to this because this isn’t real.”

Lena’s voice was soft and it drew her closer until she was standing next to Alex's sister. With nothing else to do with her hands, she reached out to hold on to the railing, her fingers doing their best not to sink into water-softened mahogany. West Egg was quiet except for the party behind them. On the distant shore across the ocean bay, she could see other land with lights here and there. If she looked further, she could see the edge of the earth to the north, curving around the pole full of ice and coldness. Beyond that lay stars and she tried to find the ones that strung together into something she recognized. From this view, everything was different and she didn’t know where to start when Lena’s voice sounded like it did, wistful and sad.

“Why do you say this?”

This felt real, the salty air, the party in the background, Lena Luthor standing next to her. She didn’t understand. Lena turned her head and looked at her, green eyes searching her face for something she wasn’t sure she had. Everything was quiet, everything was dark. She could feel the small things inside her body waiting, churning and looking for a way to settle. In slow motion, she watched Lena’s hand reach out and tangle into one of the long locks of her hair, pushing it behind her ear.

“I had a dream about you. We were in the gold room where everyone finally gets what they want.”

She felt herself holding her breath, Lena Luthor was so close it made her nervous, their arms almost touching. Hers full of muscle too hard, Lena's as soft as a pillow. Somewhere deep inside, this felt familiar. Alex had brought her to this party for a reason. Was it Lena? Was she the key?

“I do not understand.”

Lena's eyes were sad and the smile she wore faded.

“I know. And I’m sorry.”

She turned, her brows furrowed in confusion. She reached out and her hands found Lena’s arms out of instinct. There was a soft gasp in the air and she was afraid she was hurting Lena but her hands already knew to soften and her fingers already knew to be gentle. She could feel something pass between them, skin against skin connecting it all.

“Why do you feel sorrow to dream of me?”

Lena closed her eyes and for a minute, she wondered if there would be tears. She was still learning and there was so much she didn’t understand of this world. The men who had found her were too rough, Alex liked to play with words to confuse her. She tried, she really did. But women were new and mysterious. And this woman, Lena Luthor, just appeared as if by some magic. She felt in disarray, touching soft skin and not knowing such a person could exist and could dream of her. She tuned out all the noises in the world and focused only on one sound, doors opening and doors closing, a heart beating on repeat. Lena opened her eyes and looked at her in the darkness, whispering in the space between them.

“Because we always wake up.”

She watched as Lena started to lean towards her, red lips parted, warm body and curves all wrapped up in the night. When she felt Lena’s hands reach for her face, she closed her own eyes. It was like a blanket settled upon her, calming everything inside of her down until it all fell into place. It was softness and sweetness, all the things she never had. America, with all its lush excess, was also a place where Lena Luthor kissed her. That first touch, warm and gentle, made her feel like it all made sense again and their lips pressed into each other like they had always kissed like this. In the salty night air far away from anyone else in their own world, she was kissing Lena Luthor. It made her heart catch and her ribs leak out everything golden inside of her. She had finally found something that could be hers.

“Wake up.”

Her hands slid around Lena’s body, hands pressing against curves until a soft mouth opened just for her. Her own lips pulled in fullness and her teeth wanted to bite, especially when Lena’s hands went into her hair and messed it up, tangled it further. She didn’t care. She didn’t care what the people in that party thought of her, they didn’t know her. No one did. She wanted things. She wanted this. She needed this.

“просыпайся!”

With a start, her eyes blinked open at the gruff harsh voice shouting into her room and she looked up at peeling paint on the ceiling. Disappointment and despair slowly settled in where softness and sweetness had been. She willed herself to go back, to not be in such a stark room with a hard metal bed and pictures of what she imagined taped to her wall like a shrine. She was in her cell, she was in the compound, she was in Kasnia. There had to be a way out. Her hands sparked against threadbare sheets and she knew another life was waiting for her somewhere. She just didn’t know how to get there from here.

Yet.


	2. east egg

ii. east egg

It was freezing but it did not matter. The ocean was a dark icy mess to her north and the ground swirled with enough white to make her eyes wonder which was easier - to keep walking or to lie down and let it cover her in a blanket of snow. She pulled the itchy wool around her and kept going. There were no people she could see and the deserted industrial land full of train tracks and piled trash was just a wasted space between where she was and where she wanted to go. She hadn’t really started out with a destination in mind, she simply walked and kept walking in a snowstorm so cold nothing moved outside except for her. She also wasn’t sure what she hoped to find on a night like this but her body moved and she with it. Trudging along, every flake of snow held a sharp little universe that cracked crystalline in her ears when it landed. She was searching, for what, she didn’t know, but she walked on and on and on.

A light in the distance caught her eye and it guided her like a north star from railyard and wasteland to open meadow blanketed in white to something brighter. Through the snow, the outline of an immense estate started to form in front of her as she passed through open gates and mazes of iced over hedgerows. No one stopped her because there was no one to stop her. When she climbed the stairs to the tallest doors she had ever seen, the golden glow from within poured out from the transom window above and sidelight glass next to mahogany and iron. The stone home was as large as the ship that she assumed carried her here, depositing her across the ocean and dumping her like cargo. Her bare knuckles were red, not from the cold but from the fist she made to knock on the door. For a long, long moment, she counted in her head.

Один Ле́на, два Ле́на, три Ле́на...

When the door finally opened, she stood silently, blinking as the wind swirled around her and tossed her long hair in with the snow. She wasn’t sure what she was expecting, but she stood clutching the wool around her and waited. Her hand burned at the touch when another reached out and pulled her inside.

“You shouldn’t have come.”

She stood there like a wet stray dog and if she were to be sent back out, she would not be surprised.

“But I am here.”

Her words were thick and clunky, her accent still translating awkwardly as she spoke. The door closed behind her and in the lavish entry room, she stood wishing she had thought to wear something else. The thin blue slip she wore was ill-fitting and ill-fitted for the weather but it was all she could find among her few things. The wool blanket was an afterthought from her bed, thrown on out of haste and out of modesty to hide her body. It wasn’t like she needed it for the weather.

“You must be cold.”

Lena Luthor’s words were quiet as a warm hand once again fell upon her own to pull her further into the house and into a room with a crackling fire and so many books her mouth dropped open.

“This is where you live? With all books you like?”

She heard a soft laugh as Lena sat her on a small couch in front of the fireplace like it would warm her more than she already was. Her body was a funny thing she was still getting used to, always hot and never cold. Her eyes watched as Lena moved through the room, that body covered in a black silk robe that did not hide her curves. She wanted to look away, but she could not help how hungry her eyes were for the things she wanted and imagined. Lena went to the desk to pick up a glass of amber liquid and turned back to her, smiling.

“Well I haven’t read them all yet so my preferences are still questionable.”

She furrowed her brow.

“I do not understand.”

Lena smiled softly, not to make fun of her like the others but with lips that were kind. She watched as Lena brought the glass to those lips and drank. She could not help it that her eyes followed down a bare neck at the swallow. She could not help much of how she was with Lena Luthor.

“I read books to learn and I read books for pleasure. Sometimes those are very different.”

She let her eyes wander over shelf upon shelf of books, so many she could not count even if she tried. What would it be like to have so many to choose from whenever she liked? She read the titles and wondered which among them was for pleasure: Paulding and Wilson's _Introduction to Quantum Mechanics with Applications to Chemistry,_ Lyell's _Principles of Geology, _Darwin's_ On the Origins of Species, _Du Chatelet's_ Philosophiae Naturalis Principia Mathematica._

“I would not know where to begin in such room as this.”

Lena ran her hand through her dark hair and looked at her, the corners of her mouth in upturn. She watched as Lena sat in the leather chair next to her, bare legs, calf and thigh, crossing between the slit of the robe and she could not help her eyes.

“Are you here to learn or are you here for pleasure?”

The words were as smoky as the fireplace and she felt her own hands spark in response. Always hot and never cold, her body wanted what it wanted. She just didn’t know why or how. Lena Luthor sat watching her, the liquid in her glass swirling and her green eyes considering someone such as her, sitting in a house of splendor and she in a dirty blanket of gray wool.

“I do not know how is possible to decide. There were no choices for me until now.”

She had never asked for the things she wanted because she had never been given anything of her own. It was as if she had just appeared in her life fully formed yet empty as a vessel. Her Alex had filled her with whatever pleased him, words and ideas and pictures of another life. He tested her and the limits of her body, how much she could carry and how far and how high. In Kasnia, she was a secret but in America, she had more freedom. Alex left her alone to learn and this was where she came.

“The bad thing about choices is that we must live with them.”

Lena looked at her and it made her insides warm in a different way. Her ribs expanded as she took a breath and it felt as if all the heat in her body settled into her belly and spread. It made her push the wool from her shoulders and sit forward, eyes looking at someone who wore the night on her body and in her hair and in her eyes.

“Why is such thing bad? I choose you.”

She watched as Lena closed her eyes briefly before letting out a deep breath and looking at her again in the way she did now. All she wanted was to know what it felt like to live a life like this, where she sat in a room full of books with Lena Luthor and waited to learn everything. She was a blank slate and wanted to be filled with the things Lena would choose or the things she herself would take it given freely. Her body hummed and the hot of hot inside of her burned blue. Lena smiled softly, her hand settling on her thigh, fingers spread across black silk like a possession. She wanted that hand on her in that way, pulling her in close enough to smell what a woman like Lena did in this world. Her own fingers dug into the couch, ripping fabric as if tissue and she did not care. Lena’s voice was an intoxicant.

“I wish that were possible, darling.”

No one had ever called her anything other than a false name that wasn’t her own, one that she had taken in this country. The term, with all its sweetness and its sorrow, made her shake her head.

“Why is this not possible? What if I were book, would you not want to learn? Would I not please you?”

The smile on Lena’s face faded and she was afraid she had said the wrong words. She watched as Lena stood and came over to stand in front of her, enough that the bare skin of their legs touched. The room was too warm with the fire inside and even though it snowed so white on her walk, she could not imagine how she would not burn. How if her hand reached out like it did now and slid between silk enough to touch thigh that it would not ignite. She looked up and held her breath. So many curves and so much darkness. Lena’s hand reached down to run her fingers through her hair, long and messy from the wind. Her heart felt like it would beat out of her body when Lena put her palm against her too hot cheek. She dared herself not to blink when Lena ran a thumb over her bottom lip like it was a slice of plum, full and ripe for the testing and the tasting.

“You would. Very much.”

Her mouth, with all its stumblings, chose for her and opened. She wanted nothing more than her teeth to bite on sweetness in any form as long as it came from Lena. She had nothing and now she had everything, She felt Lena’s hand shake as her thumb skated over teeth and against her own tongue that tried so hard to say the words right. Her hand skimmed and sparked up along the softest skin she had ever felt, Lena’s thigh made her look up to see what the world could look like if she chose right. Lena’s hooded eyes and dark hair falling around her shoulder and robe slipping off one shoulder made her want to test herself, to see what was possible if her body could have what it never knew it wanted until now.

“But I can’t do this, Kara.”

At the name, she stopped as if ice froze her hands and her mouth solid. Her belly burned and her eyes felt the heat building. She was cold and hot all at once and no way to know why. She let go of a thumb between her lips and her hand fell to her side. She looked up and felt like she would never know how to live in America with its countless books and women like Lena Luthor who looked at her with a wish unfulfilled.

“I am so sorry…”

She couldn’t think of anything to say, her head at odds with her body.

“Почему?”

Her words were all jumbled and she tried again.

“Why? Why is this not possible? Do you not choose me?”

Lena looked at her for a very long time before she leaned down, her hands settling on her bare arms, curving to squeeze gently against the muscles she tried to hide but couldn’t. Her eyes betrayed her and she could not look away from full breasts now in view through the opening in a robe that did not hide what her eyes wanted to see. It did not make this any easier and she held on to her own knees to keep from reaching. Lena ducked down to catch her eyes and they followed until they were both looking at each other, the space between them full of what made her body churn.

“I will always choose you, Kara. No matter what, no matter when, no matter who you are.”

She waited for it to make sense and she shook her head.

“Am I not me? Am I not your..Kara?”

She would be whoever she needed to be right now as long as Lena chose. Lena’s voice grew even more quiet.

“You are a miracle. But you aren’t mine.”

She did not walk for miles in a body that was hers to be someone who was not wanted. Lena Luthor must be lying to her. Her voice raised.

“I am who I want to be and I wish to be yours! Why is this not possible if I am miracle? I hold sun in hand! I fly to stars! I lift this country and turn upside down for you. Anything you want I give.”

She was getting desperate and her heart was racing. She looked up at Lena and her voice was roughened because her throat was so tight she thought she had tears like a baby.

“Why?”

Lena closed her eyes and took a deep breath and she felt fingers pressing into her biceps and her muscles flexed to show Lena how much she could carry if given the chance.

“Because this isn’t real.”

“It is! I feel you and you me. How is not real?”

She couldn’t help herself, she leaned up and crushed her mouth against Lena’s, her lips and teeth wanting to devour what she knew was real. Her hand went to the back of Lena’s head and kept her there, not letting her move while she kissed as hard as she could. Lena’s mouth opened against hers and she became gentle at the softness and the sweetness. They slowed together as Lena’s body pressed down into hers and she pulled, bringing the night in close until she was held down like a blanket by Lena’s body. Her hands slid to curves and her head went dizzy at the faint scent of flowers and the wind filling her up, sweet and freeing all at once. She only stopped when she felt a hand against her cheek and Lena pulling away, their eyes so close she could see green and gray all mixed up. She whispered.

“How is not real?”

Lena pressed her forehead against hers and they lay pressed into each other surrounded by books and winter and the fire inside. She didn’t want to hear the answer she knew was coming so she closed her eyes. Lena’s voice drifted over her.

“Because we always wake up.”

She was a miracle, Lena Luthor told her so. She could learn to be something else, she could read every book in this library. She could find ways to please and ways to be in the world with a body like hers that wanted enough to burn everything down and start again. A whole new life. She could choose that, she could wear different clothes and live in a different place and be whoever she wanted to be. She had so much locked inside, she just needed to find the right key. It was out there somewhere and she would keep walking until she was in the gold room with Lena where everyone gets what they want, including her.

“Wake up.”

The voice was electronic and false. New American technology in a cylinder near her bed had her blinking into a room that was not full of peeling paint and pictures of this life. She rolled her head to the side and looked through the wall and through bricks and through wood and plaster until she saw an apartment almost like hers. The only difference was that her apartment was dead and Kara Danvers’ was full of a life that wasn’t hers. She was in National City. She was in a thread bare bed. And she had lost Lena Luthor again.


	3. shelley island

_iii. shelley island_

Amid the ruins, time stood still. The buildings had crumbled, the monument to love and bravery had fallen. The roads that were once concrete were now covered in rubble and weeds. Shelley Island became what it had once been, a wild and untamed place surrounded by water. It felt better this way, it felt like a place she could be even if this was a place of ghosts. It was fitting. She wandered among the brambles and the overgrowth to her favorite place, the large granite stones of an old boat dock and one of the few man-made things left. The iron railing rusted, but still there to keep no one from falling into the water. It gave her a perfect view of the setting sun kissing wetness on the horizon at dusk, the land and the mountains rising to the north and a city to the east that once stood, tombstones of the past still visible. With the wind in her hair, she took a deep breath and smelled a faint memory. She did not open her eyes when she heard footsteps approaching, heels on stone like a clock ticking. Her words were still clunky when she spoke, still stumbling on how poorly America tried to escape her mouth.

“You should not have come.”

Lena Luthor’s voice was quiet as she appeared on the stone moorings.

“But I’m here.”

When she looked, she saw Lena dressed in a green dress to match the richness of what now grew around her. Green ferns and green clover and green leaves all around them. Lena’s dark hair was loose in flowing waves and lips red as an apple she once had, crisp fleeting sweetness. In the setting sun, they stood together in silence until her throat felt tight.

“Why is it that you visit me?”

She watched as Lena looked over at her, the wind picking up her hair as dark as night and tossing it across her face until she reached to move it from her eyes. She wondered what she must look like to Lena now, ill-fitting clothes gone and replaced by a gray suit made to last eternity, the ruby cape an afterthought at this point. Did she still look like someone else or nothing at all? She had come and gone in this world the same way, from nothing to nothing.

“I had to see you again.”

She turned and crossed her arms over her chest, her hands holding on to her own arms. Her accent remained in spite of everything.

“What is your wish to see? Her? Or me?”

Her words had more bite than she intended but she could not help herself. There were some things that had changed and some things that remained the same. She had disappeared completely and yet her heart clung to something, beating like a phantom muscle inside her chest. She stood there and tried to keep her ribs from expanding at the sight of Lena Luthor, the way green eyes looked at her and saw something in her. She looked back out to the water and took a deep breath, her arms falling to her side as she quietly spoke again.

“It does not matter. You are here.”

Lena moved closer and she tried not to flinch when she felt a hand on her arm, the touch bringing with it a hunger for softness and gentleness after everything.

“I know what you did...”

She closed her eyes because she too knew what she had done and did not need reminding. It was etched into her skin and burned into her eyes and felt in every cell of her body, her impossible miracle of a body that reacted still to the world around her. It was a blessing and a curse in one and she had paid both prices. She spoke into the wind because there was nowhere else for her broken words to go.

“I do always for someone else. For Alex.”

Her body became a weapon for Alex..for Lex Luthor, master manipulator..to use as a plaything against Supergirl and then be thrown away like another afterthought. She had become someone because of him and he did not care what happened to her in the end. He was blinded by his obsession and she with him.

“For my people. For you...for...her.”

Her - she could not make herself say the name even though it was inside. Everything she had done, the good and the bad, came down to one person. Kara. Always Kara. She had destroyed her with the same hand she had saved her. When her eyes had been opened to what could have been, she saw the life that had not been hers but Hers. Kara Danver’s life. And now Lena Luthor stood next to her, a symbol of all that she could not have. It did not matter now, though and she looked out over the water as the sun was almost an afterthought as well.

“No one ever ask what I want.”

Her words were quiet and she felt her fisted hand eased open, fingers gently requesting to entangle and to let go of what held her in place. Lena squeezed her hand and she let herself feel it.

“Then let me. What do you want?”

Lena’s voice next to her was quiet and she glanced over, trying not to let her hand spark against the touch she knew wasn’t for her, not exactly. Her mouth tried to form words without the jumble of emotions on her tongue getting in the way. How could she even begin when it was all over?

“It is too late to want. I am not here and you…”

She stopped briefly and looked closely at Lena Luthor, shimmering black hair in the sunset, green dress and green eyes full of life, a mirage of something unattainable glitching just under the surface. She had not wanted to see it before and she wished she couldn’t see it now.

“You are illusion.”

She closed her eyes briefly when a hand reached up and pressed against her cheek, warm like a fire and soft like a blanket.

“Maybe. But you are a miracle. And you are right here…”

Her other hand was lifted, the fist she had made long gone and replaced by an open palm that Lena Luthor placed against her chest. She opened her eyes and wondered the distance between them, the space and time from where she stood now and where Lena was. It was like guessing when what she had really wanted was the truth. Lena’s words were gentle enough to draw her eyes to red lips once again.

“And we are in the gold room where everyone finally gets what they want.”

She let mind wander, following Lena where she led, past a party they did not attend, in front of a fire in the fireplace in a library so full she could never count. She smiled at the thought, lifting her other hand to rest against the curve of a hip covered by the soft silk of a green dress. Here, she was someone and this was a place that was warm and full of life. When there was nothing else, there could be this. In this room, her words were no longer clunky and strange.

“Tell me of your books..”

Lena smiled back at her, moving closer and pressing into her until she could feel all the atoms in her body settle down, calmed and no longer roaming and bouncing against her insides and against ribs like prison bars. She watched as Lena traced her fingers over each book, Lena’s voice whispering against her ear.

“This is the moon. This is the sun. Let me name the stars for you..”

She felt all things fall away until her body was just a body, her very own and hers alone, stripped down to muscles she no longer was ashamed of, a heart that beat double time, and skin that glowed under Lena’s gaze. She might disappear completely, she might live forever, either way this was where she could have when before there was nothing. All the empty rooms and peeling paint and shrines to another life were gone. Here, her hands reached for what she wanted and her mouth pressed against crimson lips.

“Take me there..”

***

_One Mississippi. Two Mississippi. Three Mississippi._

For a moment, everything was dark, everything was quiet.

_Wake up._

And then the world came back rushing into her ears and into her eyes, the white of white burning into her as she blinked and gasped out. Pain searing inside of her head when science said it shouldn’t. Create the reality you wish to have and undo the parts that hurt the most, replace them with cells that heal and not those that burn for what was lost. Lena Luthor gulped at the breath that came too quickly into her lungs, her office high above National City too real and too stark and too cold. She wiped her hands across her burning eyes, as if playing with this new fire would not have consequences too. She was slipping into something dark and forbidden again, trying to create what she wanted by undoing the past and stitching the future back together by her own invisible hands. If she stopped to think about it with her head and not her traitorous, ruined heart, she might have resisted the pull of impossible science longer.

But Lena Luthor’s mind was always ahead of the game, plotting out a way to be in the world as it was now after all that forgetting and all that remembering. She trusted technology and the promises it might keep, but she wasn’t entirely sure she could trust herself. Not when there was Kara and every version of her, tempting her heart and fooling her mind.

Lena brought a shaky hand up to drink amber liquid, burning and bright, before she crushed it on her desk hard, glass on glass breaking a picture and breaking the spell and breaking not open, but down.


End file.
